What’s up Frailty Myths’ Fam!
Welcome back to Frailty Myths Finds Out, a different kind of how-to channel where we reject the idea of perfectionism reject the idea that you have to know everything about something in order to share your knowledge or to try and instead lift up curiosity, lift up community, and lift up the idea of collective understanding.
I’m Georgia Faye Hirsty and today on Frailty Myths Finds Out we’re going to be finding out about how to use a tool that’s really easy to forget about but will make a huge difference.
Okay I know it’s in here.
We could talk about how to apologize and how not to apologize for many many hours. Today we’re gonna go over a few tips that you can practice.
How not to apologize:
hey.. I’m really sorry you feel that way..
..I didn’t mean to shut you down but what you said triggered me so I snapped
…Anyway sorry your feelings got hurt..
Oof that was uncomfortable – in other words, sorry not sorry. I’m sure many of you have been there before.
Now let’s talk about how to improve your apology.
First, plain and simple, say I’m sorry. Drop the but. Drop all the explanations.
I’m. Sorry.
It is incredibly powerful.
2. Take responsibility. We are responsible for our actions and our behaviors regardless what our intention was. We can take ownership and accountability of how we move and act in the world.
3. Describe the situation so the person knows that you know what you’re actually apologizing for. If you don’t explain what you’re apologizing for it could seem like you’re just apologizing for the sake of apologizing and come off as flippant or inauthentic.
The key here is to be authentic and genuine consider including how you might change.
Lastly, admit that you were wrong. It’s good to remember that sometimes it’s not that deep:
I want you to apologize and I don’t hate you.
You hurt my feelings and it doesn’t mean our relationship is over.
Not apologizing – not taking ownership for your behavior or accountability for your actions – that can destroy a relationship. A really important component of apologizing is understanding that just because you apologize doesn’t mean that the person you’re apologizing to is going to accept. Maybe what you did caused so much harm that the person isn’t ready to forgive you. But that’s not why we apologize. We apologize to take accountability for our actions. Whether or not your apology is accepted is up to the other person. It cannot be transactional or it’s not a real apology.
Just because they may not accept shouldn’t stop you from apologizing. One of the reasons apologizing can be so hard is because you may also have been hurt in the same exchange. Taking accountability for our actions and behavior does not erase that we may also have been hurt. Both things can be true.
It’s important to do one thing at a time. Take ownership over your actions. Apologize for the parts that you’re responsible for. If you are hurt or offended by the other person bring it up at a different time. When feelings of two people get conflated often nobody feels heard or validated and there’s little progress. The great news we are not our missteps or our mistakes.
If you owe someone an apology take a moment and remind yourself that you’re great and that sometimes you make mistakes.
Think about intention versus impact a lot of time, our intention is not to hurt someone but that doesn’t erase the fact that it does. Our intention often doesn’t matter until we acknowledge our impact. If it wasn’t your intention to harm someone, it should be easy to admit that it was a mistake.
And it’s important to remember just because you didn’t intend to hurt someone, doesn’t take away the fact that you did.
So apologize.
There is no room in an apology for “but.”
These are just guidelines and all of us have different needs at different moments. The real key to apologizing is to be genuine empathetic and willing to be accountable to the impact you’ve caused.
The best advice that we can give, is that if you aren’t sure what someone in your life wants or needs, ask them
If you aren’t sure how to navigate an uncomfortable situation, ask.
Even though it’s messy and uncomfortable, when we lean into that discomfort, beautiful things can grow.
That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for watching. Let us know in the comments what you think and what you want to find out about.
Follow us on all of the things @frailtymyths and if you can, become a monthly member it’s what sustains our work and helps us continue to build a more just and loving world.
Stay tuned. Mad love and don’t forget to subscribe
Interested in joining our team? Join the Board
Interested in brining Frailty Myths to your place of work? Check out our DEI work.